About me

My problem with wanting to be good.


I was talking (okay... emailing) about this with a friend of mine the other day. "I want to do good things, but then I WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW," I admitted. She admitted similarly. 

I bet you can relate. You'll happily make the meal when visitors come... but you want them to know it was you making it and not Mum. You'll do an extra chore without asking... but you want a hearty thanks afterwards and recognition and praise for wow, your hard-core diligence! You'll clear up the chairs after coffee at Church, but let's be real, just so people will be like, "Wow, s/he's a good, Christian individual." You'll maybe pray long, because you know people are watching and observing and you know they'll admire you for it. You'll talk to the handicapped child, but mainly so that people will thank you for it afterwards.

I'm going to stop using 'you's... because this is me. So often, this is me. I want to be good, but it's for the wrong reasons.

I thought about this for a while and I decided: This is ironic! It is! I want to be good for God; it's why I want to be good - but then literally, while I try to be good, I do it in a way that is not good. It's ironic. It's sad. It's selfish ambition - a serious sin in the eyes for the Lord, by the way. It's the devil trying to turn a good ambition into a bad one. It's not cool.

I (so far, each paragraph in this post starts with the word 'I' - I mean, speaking of selfish ambition, guys) recently have started to listen to podcasts and I've (so far) listened to two that really helped me on this subject area. I realise I'm mainly parroting what I heard in the podcasts, but it was good stuff and I think it's worth a repeat.

The first podcast I listened to is called "Glory to God Alone." I started listening to it, thinking, oh yeah, this is going to be about God's amazing power and His Glory and how we should glorify that!" But when I finished it, I identified myself as a Glory robber.

Glory to God ALONE. (Alone being the keyword here!) 

We are Glory robbers. We take the glory, praise and honour that should all go to God and we want it, so desperately, to fall on us. We want to do good, but we want to get the glory for it! The glory we feel we deserve; the Glory that has to go to God alone.

The second podcast (Francis Chan... my favourite; he makes a thirty minute long sermon seem like ten short ones!) is called "Reputation vs Character" (listen to it plz) and the image Francis used to describe the message he was trying to bring out was really, really good. It struck a chord with me. I love it. He said that it's stupid for us to focus on our reputation (aka what people think / aka getting good character reviews from other people / aka craving good opinions) rather than our character. Francis brought his listeners to an imaginary setting of a guy who'd always put up a good reputation - a guy who did bad in secret. In this story, the man dies and goes to hell. "Will this man be like; oh, it doesn't matter; look - the people on earth at my funeral all say I'm a good person, so it's fine?" Francis asked the congregation.

It's stupid. It's not about our reputation. It's about our character - it's the real deal, not a play. If people think you're good, that doesn't make you good. God decides.

Being good is more than just doing. You and I, we have to do it for the right reasons. Let's try again!

About me



nostalgia // noun // a sentimental longing or wistful affection for a period in the past.

I love nostalgia. It's weird and beautiful and melancholy and perceptive and heart-warming. It's wistful and sentimental. It's happy and sad. I love that you can't have nostalgia for bad memories - and I love that nostalgia isn't really about memories, it's more about past aspects - like a particular smell, or a smile, or a book, or a room. I love that nostalgia can dawn suddenly, unexpectedly, and make you think, pause; remember, reminisce about the good days past. I love that it reminds us that life has been good and that life is good - because one day we'll be filled with nostalgia for now.

I love nostalgia. It's a nice word too; it sounds nice and it has a twist to it - it's a clever word. It's a word that every individual interprets differently - a word so personal and intimate that no-one can describe quite what nostalgia feels for themselves.

Cows in pastures makes me nostalgic; mainly because we used to live across the road to fields with cows (also chickens; although not in the same field) and I walked there plenty of times. Also, every year we'd go to this farm in Switzerland and yep, you guessed it, cows with bells around their necks - chewing their hearts out on the dewy morning grass - were always part of our stay there.

Newborn babies make me nostalgic. Their crazy small fingers; toenails; ears... their innocence, their pure perfection; their delicate, gorgeous, gorgeous beauty. I love their eyes - looking at things without knowing things, looking at faces and trusting people without knowing a thing. I love their little noses and their kissable feet and wrinkly fingers and ugh goshdarnit they're so terribly adorable. Even if they're ugly and wrinkled, they have tear-drop-worthy gorgeousness about their beings. You get it if you stare at one long enough.

A friend from Church recently had a little boy and I got to hold him (yeahhh for like, five minutes) and his black eyes peering at me from his teensy face just UGH IT'S LIKE MAGIC I TELL YOU.

I guess newborns make me nostalgic because I've so many memories of newborn siblings - going to the hospital and fighting for a turn to hold said new sibling. So many memories of sorting out baby clothes and smelling baby shampoo (best . smell . ever . Can I have an amen?) and feeling those small fingers cling around one of mine. Holding a new sibling always sort of felt like holding part of me... part of my blood; in my young arms - a freakin' human being with a life ahead. Blank pages to fill.

Ladybird books make me nostalgic. (For anyone who doesn't know, Ladybird books aren't books about insects... they're about all sorts of things. They were made in Britain, I believe, to learn kids how to read.) Whenever I was ill, I would take all of them (and we have a lot of ladybird books) and I would read them all in my bed. I loved reading about Peter and Jane and the dolls and the horses and the cookies and the beach and Punch and Judy and just yes I loved it. I personally think the stories are stupid now, but yeah speak about nostalgia.

The Cinderella Ladybird book pictured above makes me so so nostalgic because I have such a vivid memory of discovering it between some boring French grammar books at Grandma and Granddad's house and yes lil' seven-year-old me was like ahhhh this book is the best book ever. I put it back there and every time we revisited, I would go back and reread it. I still kinda want Cinderella's dresses. Obviously mainly the pink one on the cover.

Banana shaped moons make me nostalgic. Now I love full moons; glorious and cunning and smart in the dark sky - but spiky banana moons remind me of when I was little and I would freak out and point at it because IT'S SO EXCITING. LOOK MAMA THERE'S THE MOOOON.

Astrid Lingdren's stories make me nostalgic. I used to be such an Astrid Lingdren fan. I had no idea she was a Swedish author; for me she was the author of 'Madieke en Liesbet' and I thought she lived in Belgium and I felt like she wrote them right to me. 

I luuurved reading about Madieke (I think; Margaret in English? Not sure. I read 'em in Dutch and it doesn't feel right in any other language, haha) and her adventures in her red house with her sister Liesbet. I wanted to throw meatballs from the roof and have an Easter chocolate man and all that. I wanted to be like Lisa in 'The Children of Noisy Village' (the English title sounds so wrong; but I shall use it for my dear readers. Appreciate all I do.) and have an attic room and collect pictures and own a lamb. And have the perfectest life. :-)

Basically, I wanted to live in an Astrid Lingdren book. And the gorgeous, full-colour picture books that I found in the library (see picture above) didn't really help. (Seriously when I found that picture on Pinterest a whole GUST (no, WIND) of nostalgia swept over me.) (#personalfeels)

Seagulls make me nostalgic because I remember being so excited to see them on what-felt-like-the-longest-journey-ever to England. Seeing seagulls meant we were in Calais which meant we were going to board on the ferry, which meant we were going to see the White Cliffs of Dover (ugh yes the White Cliffs of Dover give me such nostalgia... please; don't get me started!), which meant we were going to be in England. I love seagulls. Also the sound of them... nothing screams more beach and coast. It's a beautiful sound.

Library cards make me so nostalgic. The stamps marking the history of the travels of a book, the library ladies stamping new stamps on the card (I always wanted to do it because it sounded like so much fun to do)... I miss the library card days, guys. 

So. Many. Library memories. I'm so glad that libraries hadn't yet 'fully developed' into computer-generated libraries in my childhood. I'm so glad I associate stamps and library cards with books. I'm so glad that when I visit a library now I still expect the crunch of the stamp to interrupt the bookish silence in the air. I'm sad that it doesn't. I don't care about the efficiency of computer-technology-look-it-up libraries; I WISH LIBRARY CARDS WERE STILL A THING.

I miss the tiny library that lived near the local church before it disappeared and joined the big, modern one. Just thinking about that adorable library makes me nostalgic because it was literally the cutest place in the world and I always wanted to go there when Mama went. I would come home with BAGS of books (frequently the same ones over and over) and it was the bomb. (*whisper* I know you have no idea what I'm talking about but please, allow me to have my trip down memory lane.)

Pettson and Findus books make me nostalgic. I got these from frequent library visits (and haven't read one in aaages) and my word, so much nostalgia. They're basically books about this old man and his cat (the cat is the coolest kid ever) and the pictures are just gold - filled with adorable detail; little weird creatures peeping from rugs and corners, little bits and bobs... I poured myself into these books. I want to reread them all so badly right now. (If I have kids, these are on my to-buy-for-their-birthdays list; for sure.)

Tapes make me nostalgic. REMEMBER THESE??? When you could put them in CARS? (Sheesh, I'm only eighteen. I should not be feeling this old.) My favourite childhood tape was one my dad made of my older brother singing Nursery Rhymes and Christmas songs. Oh, and there was one tape of annoying Nursery Rhyme songs that my sister Hannah and my brother Daniel ALWAYS listened to - I was so sick of it I hid it in the garden with my older brother. (Still good memories.)

The Martine/Tiny books give me nostalgia. I'm sorry to - once again - talk about books none of you probably know about, but the Tiny (not a word meaning small; it's a name. Don't laugh. Her name is Tiny. It's from the name Martine.) books basically are my childhood. They're MINE. None of my sisters like them much and I can't see why because I when I look back at my childhood I see Tiny books Tiny books Tiny books

We still have almost all of them - all 50-something. Tiny was this girl with the perfect life and the pictures are perfect and it's so unrealistic and I LOVED THEM SO MUCH... *goes downstairs to reread them all*

Film rolls make me nostalgic. The old camera has now long been buried and been replaced by a sporty grey lil' pocket-sized thing, and I miss the film roll days, readers. I always wanted to have it after the pictures had been developed... I always had a fascination for it, I guess. I mean, how on earth was my face on this brown see-through object?

There you go... some stuff that makes me wistful and sentimental and nostalgic. 

For some reason, so does a frying pan filled with eggs, but I have no idea why. So do the Little House on the Prairie books of course - I didn't dare even mention those because you'd all be like: "UGHH I KNOW SHHH DON'T SAY IT AGAIN." :-P 

Now, if you read all of this, consider yourself my friend. (I realise it might have been boring for some people. That's okay. Nostalgia is different for different people; I told you in the early realms of this post, if you've been paying any attention.) Does any of the things I listed make you nostalgic? If so, consider yourself my friend as well. Tell me about all the personal feels in the comment section; I'm all ears.

About me

Toothpaste, Untalented capabilities & Extrovertedness


(This title of the post makes this post sound a lot more interesting than it is. I guess it's me learning how to do the clickbait thing.)

My darling Olivia tagged me with ten random cute questions and here are the ten random cute answers. onetwothreego.

1.)  Is there a particular fictional genre to which you keep returning? (i.e. period drama, action, fantasy, etc.)
Oh yeah, definitely action and fantasy. :-P Hashtag JUST KIDDING. Obviously my predictable answer to this question is Period Drama. It's my first fictional genre love and return to it I always shall.
2.)  What type of toothpaste do you use? ('Cause I'm weird like that.)

Why. Do. You. Care. :-P (T'is allright, I don't mind. :-))
Paradontax. This rosy podge that has a fresh after-taste, in case your adorable curiosity was wondering about the specifics. :-P
3.)  In general -- can be for yourself or for others or for both -- do you prefer straight, curly, or wavy hair?

I have a thing for curls. Let's go with moderately curly.
4.)  Do you like musicals?

DUHHHHHHHHHHH YEAH. (Do some people not?)
5.)  What is your third favorite season?

I LOVE how you're so oddly specific. Oddly specific questions are my one weakness. My third favourite season is autumn. Actually, I don't know. My favourite season is winter, but I like all the other seasons equally, for different reasons.
6.)  Jewelry -- yea or nay?

yea why not.
7.)  Have you seen any of the live-action remakes of the classic Disney movies? If so, what are your thoughts on them?

I've seen Cinderella, but that's just about it. However, I loved that one. T'was twinkly and beautiful and I'm still not over the blue ballgown and the blue eyes of Prince Kit.
8.)  Are you adept at cookery?

Am I a good cook, you mean? No. I am not a good cook. Way to bring up my untalented capabilities, Olivia. ;-P
9.)  Is there anybody you really wish would start a blog?  

Yep. I wish Miss Meg (who frequently comments) had a blog; she'd make an amazing blogger.
10.)  Do you know what your Myers-Briggs personality is?  If so, do share.

Last time I did it I was an ISFP but now I identify myself more as an extrovert (I know, right, crazy things happen!) and b'sides every time I do the test I get something different which basically means I have a different personality depending on what mood I'm in. Because I'm that confusing. Yay.
(I might write a post on my everlasting battle between my extroverted side and my introverted side. It's quite interesting.) (Okay, that would make for a dead boring post. I shall spare you.)


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